This week in The i Paper's new work column, therapist and coach Katie Williams, advises a worker who overshared at the pub
Do you have a work dilemma, career quandary, or are you facing challenges in the office? The i Paper’s work column answers readers’ questions, consulting the top experts in the field to get you the very best advice. Email questions to work@theipaper.com
I’ve recently gotten really close to one of my colleagues. We’re of a similar age and have the same interests so we started hanging out outside of work and have even met each other’s partners – I would definitely classify her as a mate.
Last week, we both got really drunk during a post-work pub session – and we revealed our salaries. I’d say we are relatively equal in terms of hierarchy and we have the same manager – but she burst into tears when she found out I’m on £11k more than her.
I had a pay rise recently whereas she was apparently rejected for one. Since then, things have gotten really awkward between us. She’s sent me aggressive Slack messages bitching about our manager – who I really like. She said she’s going to go to HR and use my transparency as a bargaining chip to ask for my exact salary, that women need to support each other, and that I should bring it up to my manager that it’s unfair that she’s on less.
She’s being visibly callous with me in the office. I don’t want to get involved and wish I’d never said anything. What should I do?
***
Katie Williams spent the first 15 years of her work life in the fashion industry. Burnt out by the fast-paced, stressful environment, Katie retrained as a therapist, coach and yoga teacher. She worked as a therapist, mentor and coach for counselling, development and recruitment companies before setting up her own consultancy. Katie now specialises in helping high-achieving women manage stress, build confidence, and create a healthy work-life balance. You can find her on Instagram and LinkedIn. She says:
Talking about money seems to be becoming more socially acceptable – salary sharing is a trending TikTok topic, with 71 per cent of Gen Z demanding salary transparency from the companies they work at. And 86 per cent are open to discussing their salaries, as you and your work friend have done, even if unintentionally.
But your experience proves that it’s not necessarily a good idea for salaries to be discussed. Salary transparency is a really powerful tool that only works when people respond with maturity. In my previous workplace, we were strongly advised not to discuss salaries, no matter how friendly we were. We often had moments where classified information would slip out in confidence, but mostly you knew where to draw the line.
Alcohol, and how close you feel to your colleague, obviously played a part in how this information came to be shared. It’s really tough, because the situation has become personal, but now that it’s out there, it’s important you move beyond the awkwardness.
You can show understanding – but you don’t have to agree
Your colleague is clearly really struggling with this information. She’s lashing out at you because she feels safe with you. I think it would be really helpful for you to have some empathy for her, because so much of our self-worth is bound up in how good we are at our jobs, and what we’re being paid. It can trigger such deep wounds for people, in terms of worthiness and belonging, that they find it hard to control and direct their emotions.
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For a lot of people, it’s not actually about the money. It’s the idea of someone being better than you, and you not being as good as them, and that’s what hurts. Yet this could be a real opportunity for your colleague to really think about how she wants to perform in her job. If she chooses to recognise what these feelings are activating in her, and move forward with maturity, it could make a real difference to her.
Acknowledge the salary situation isn’t your fault
But while you can seek to understand her behaviour, you don’t have to agree with it. If you both just went through a performance-based review in which you secured a pay rise and she didn’t, that is not your fault. You are good at your job, and there are clearly areas your colleague needs to work on, but that is nothing to do with you.
So don’t get sucked into her narrative that it’s unfair that she’s on less, and that you need to bring it up to your manager to show your support for her, and women in general. It’s not ‘unsupportive’ to not want to be someone else’s bargaining chip they can use for a pay rise.
The idea of women supporting women doesn’t have to mean taking insults from someone just because you are friends. She is being equally unsupportive by blaming you for the fact she didn’t get a pay rise. Not only did you earn that pay rise, but the difference in your two salaries is not the same situation as, say, a woman doing the same job as a man and performing to the same level, but being paid less.
If your colleague is planning on going to HR and mentioning she knows your salary, it might be worth getting ahead of that and coming clean yourself about what you disclosed. But it’s definitely not your place to speak to HR on her behalf – I would stay out of any dealings between your colleague and HR, and between her and your boss, too.
Talk it out
You can share your empathy with your colleague, stressing that you understand why it feels a certain way to her – but at the same time, I’d query if she’s aware of the impact she’s having on you. She might be so caught up in her own stuff that she’s not. Letting her know how much it’s hurting you can help her direct her frustration in a more productive way – towards reflecting on her own performance and relationship with your manager.
Before you have that conversation, though, it’s worth deciding what kind of relationship you want with this person. Maybe this situation has made you realise you don’t want to be friends as she’s shown a side that you’re not comfortable being exposed to – and that’s ok. Conversations like this can seem scary to have but they more often than not end with the right resolution.
Stay focused on your own progression
Whatever you do, don’t allow this to distract you from how well you’re doing at work. It’s important you don’t feel you need to pull back from delivering a strong performance, just because you’re worried about what your friend might think or feel. You’ve certainly learned a lesson about how to navigate work friendships, and you’ll be more careful next time.
But keep doing a good job, and keep understanding what it is that you’re doing that’s so good. Keep your eye on yourself, and don’t allow this to distract you.
*As told to MaryLou Costa
